I want to be the best girlfriend in the world, someone who isn't too protective nor too apathetic. Someone who isn't too possessive. Someone who would be willingly loved back by his boy.

I am in love. I am in a relationship with the person I love most. What I never realized before is that being with that one person you love most doesn't equate to satisfaction. No, it's not that I'm in a one-way relationship (although sometimes I think I am), but there something inside me that makes me want more... I know it's wrong to assume that he will do this and that for me, but it just comes out naturally.

I know I've told him many times that it would be "alright" for me if he would choose to be with his friends on a Friday afternoon (even if that's the only chance we have to meet), but see, it is not. I just said that it is alright because I want him to see that I am trying to adjust to his new attitude (that he is not just into me anymore) and that I'm not trying to take him away from his "social life". But deep inside I'm wishing that he wouldn't choose his friends over me, because I'm so used to seeing him almost everyday, and now that I've transferred to another school, it's only on Fridays that I get to go to his school (because that's the only day he has time).

I know I've told him many times that I'm alright with our "setup" (a very long story), after all, I'm the one asking the favor of staying together because I'm not yet ready for a break up. But there's always this monster inside me that wants him to text me often, ask me if I'm alright, want to be with me, hug me, kiss me, voluntarily. If you get what I'm saying. Because that something that I want loses its sense if I ask him for it. It's like, I want him to hug me, but if I ask him to hug me, it wouldn't just feel special anymore. :'c

To make a very long story short, I just want to have the typical boyfriend who makes me feel special. I want to feel special, because I don't feel special anymore. Deep inside me, I know I want him to make me feel special, but in the end, I just become frustrated because he won't. Not because he can't, but he just don't see me as special anymore.

This is killing me. He's right, we only have two choices: stay together or stay apart. Of course, I'd rather us stay together and be back to the sweet old days. I really love him, but it's killing me that these things are happening to me now. We are trying to make things work out. I really hope it would. Because I know it would take me a very very very long time to move on completely. I might never be able to.

But if we weren't really for each other (which I believe isn't true), I wish I'd be able to move on. I wish time would move fast forward to the time when I'm not in love with him anymore. I might as well die.

I'm hanging on.

x x x